Raising the White Flag

Sometimes, Joe Cleveland wonders why he so steadfastly roots for the sports teams in this city when so many of them do dumb things.

The Indians organization, for example, it a walking nightmare. It would not surprise me to see them hand out white flags to the 8,000 fans who show up to watch a game against the Tigers or the White Sox. You would hope, however, that they would be smart enough to not do it.

Unfortunately, sometimes the Browns organization IS that dumb. Like this Sunday, for instance.

The national media and some comedians (and I'm sure Steeler fans) are having a field day over the morons in the Browns' marketing department's latest decision -- to hand out inflatable white flags to all the fans who walk into Browns Stadium Sunday morning for their huge game with the hated Stillers.

As a Browns fan, I can't even try to defend this decision. It's moronic. It's stupid.

I can only imagine how this went down:

(Browns Marketing Department meeting, late August, discussing promotions)

"Well, we need a promotion for the game on Nov. 25. Who are they playing again?"

"Ummm, that would be Pittsburgh."

"Yeah, Pittsburgh. Don't their fans bring in little yellow towels to wave whenever that does something?"

"Yeah. I think they call them 'Terrible Towels.'"

"You're darn right those things are terrible. They terribly clash with our orange seats. They're terrible to watch. We need something that will clash with that."

"How about a flag?"

"Perfect. A flag is better than a towel. What color should that flag be?"

(The closet Steeler fan working in the department, silently taking it all in, seizes his opportunity)

"Well, how about a WHITE flag? You know, because white should blind out the yellow."

"A white flag ..."

(The Steeler fan, who barely suppressed his or her laughter while saying that last word, holds his or her breath as that person's sure the suggestion will be laughed out of the room)

"... BRILLIANT! I like it. How about you, Johnson?"

"White flag sounds good. Anyone else?"

(unanimous grumbling about how a white flag sounds perfect)

"I'm sure Mr. Lerner and Mr. Holmgren will be pleased. Next game ..."

Well, unfortunately for the nincompoops that make up the Browns marketing department, Mr. Lerner and Mr. Holmgren aren't around anymore. Mr. Lerner was barely around to begin with, and Mr. Holmgren didn't seem too concerned about any matters that weren't football related.

Now, it's Mr. Haslam and Mr. Banner. And if Mr. Haslam and Mr. Banner had any decency, even though 50,000 of these ridiculous white flags have already been ordered, they would keep those things locked away on palates and not hand out anything.

Because NOTHING is better than a national joke.

This is my third year of being a Browns season ticket holder. If someone tries to hand me one of those ridiculous things, I either throw it on the ground in front of them, or I keep walking.

Because when I think of finally beating the hated Steelers, I think of 50,000 fans waving white flags in the crow to combat the sea of yellow from the black jersey-clad Yinzers and Northeast Ohio frontrunners.

The craxy part is, this may not be an isolated incident when it comes to the Browns marketing department, and why the man who made his fortune creating multipurpose truck stops needs to run these idiots all out of town and hire his own people.

He'll be hiring all his own people to run the football team next year from the head coach on down, why stop there?

According to ESPNCleveland.com, a story has been circulating about why the marketing department didn't sell any game-day programs to the season-opening game against the Eagles.

The Browns marketing department is in charge of the editing and printing of the game day programs. A source told the radio station that just hours before kickoff, someone in the communications department noticed that on the main roster centerfold, the first page everyone opens to in the program, the head coach’s name was spelled “Pat Schurmur.”

Yes, the head coaches name was spelled wrong.

As the team was scrambling to figure out an easy fix, the marketing department had a brilliant idea. They decided they would add a separate one page insert with a corrected roster. At the top of that insert, in bold letters it said, “Please disregard the misspelling of Pat Shurmur’s name on the original roster."

You can’t make this stuff up folks. The marketing department misspelled the most important person on the roster’s name and then, to cover it up, drew more attention to the mistake.

According to the article, the communications department pushed hard and finally got all programs pulled from the game before fans arrived. If you somehow got a hold of one of those, it might be worth some money someday.

Browns players are hoping the white flags idea doesn't come to fruition.

“I try to focus on the Steelers but I’m not a fan of the white flags,” middle linebacker D’Qwell Jackson said. “That’s the simplest way I can put it. I’m not a fan of it whatsoever knowing that we’ll see the terrible towels flying and it’s just not a message I like and I’m sure other guys don’t approve of.”

“I think I’m going to let D’Qwell speak for all of us,” added long-time kicker Phil Dawson, who has (literally) seen it all when it comes to the Browns. “When your mom told you growing up if you don’t have anything good to say, probably better not to say it, I think I am going to follow those words.”

If there is one positive to that story, it's that it is never too late to pull a mistake. Let's hope Haslam (or anybody for that matter) pulls the plug on this one, too.

The Browns were able to avoid one embarassment when they were able to convince the NFL to exempt them from the league-wide mandate to have a moment of silence for Dead Judas the Theiving One prior to that Eagles game. Hopefully, they can avoid another.

***

Speaking of waving the white flag, that's exactly what Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith and president Gordon Gee decided to do when they decided to accept a berth to the Gator Bowl so their 6-6 Buckeyes with the lame-duck head coach could play Florida.

Taking that bowl game (and losing to suffer the very rare under-.500 season) allowed the NCAA to hand down a bowl ban for this season when they officially announced their sanctions agaisnt Ohio State for Tattoo-Gate.

So, a 6-6 team with a meaningless head coach and meaningless lame-duck coaching staff played in a meaningless bowl and lost, so that a potential 12-0 team with a fantastic head coach and fantastic coaching staff (except for the defense) can stay home instead of accepting a potential berth in the BCS National Championship Game.

Take a bow, Gene Smith! Take a bow!

Smith incredulously refused to believe that, had he self-imposed a bowl ban last year, the NCAA would not have given them one this year. He still maintains he did the right thing.

How this man has a high-profile job at a Division I university is one of life's great mysteries. How he didn't get run out of town along with Lord Tressel in the wake of Tattoo-Gate has baffled me ever since the scandal broke.

Then again, we have a guy working for the Cleveland Indians who traded back-to-back AL Cy Young award winners and not only got bubkiss for them, but wound up with a promotion. We have a head coach for the Cleveland Browns who was only an offensive coordinator for one season, and it was for a mediocre team. We have a marketing department that believes it is a great idea to hand out white flags to wave for a game against your most hated and bitter rival.

This is why Joe Cleveland should have his head examined for rooting for these teams. Apparently, shit does flow upstream in Ohio.

Please, for the love of God, can the Buckeyes and the Browns just do right on the field Saturday and Sunday against the teams this fanbase loves to hate? All of the above will go away, even if for just one day, week or month.

Here's hoping for some great news on ALL fronts come Monday.

O-H ... I-O!!!

Here we go, Brownies! Here we go! WOOF-WOOF!

And remember ...

We don't give a damn about the whole state of Michigan, cuz we're from Oh-Hi-O!

Finally ...

Only bitches wave little yellow towels! Beat Pittsburgh and the Three River Rednecks they brought with them!

Until next time, remember that Cleveland Rocks!